Erin Davis
Nancy and Richard Hause were together for almost 60 years. “We always had each other's backs,” says Hause, “and we not only loved one another, we really liked each other.” One would hope that after being in a relationship for over five decades, one would still love (let alone like) one’s partner. This notion, however, while perfectly logical, is often met with deep skepticism.
In addition to society’s constant scrutiny of what’s wrong in relationships, divorce is no longer considered the social pariah it once was. The mere existence, therefore, of long-term relationships has almost become elusive—much like Bigfoot. Although some have claimed to know someone who knew someone who spotted the hairy beast, it can still be hard to believe that he exists. Long-term relationships, however, do exist. Here are a few tips on how to get your relationship out of the woods and into a lasting and meaningful existence.
Kindness Is Not Mythical—It’s Vital
Annie Lennox once said, “Make kindness your daily modus operandi and change your world.” Kindness can also change and strengthen a relationship. “Couples who continue to treat each other with kindness also increase the possibility of relationship longevity,” says psychotherapist and relationship expert Christina Steinorth, author of “Cue Cards for Life: Thoughtful Tips for Better Relationships” (forthcoming Spring 2012). Sometimes it’s as simple as taking an earnest interest in the needs and wants of your partner. “Make it a point to talk with your spouse—even if it’s just for ten minutes,” says Steinorth. “Do it first thing in the morning, or just before you go to bed. Ask about each other’s day and/or talk about your plans for tomorrow.”
Or you can follow the lead of Nancy Hause and author Nellie Jacobs by taking kindness a step further. “My husband and I took turns putting each other through school,” Hause says. “[There were] two degrees for me, and three for him.” On their 42nd wedding anniversary, Jacobs took kindness to the extreme; she became a kidney donor for her husband 10 months after his kidneys failed. “With lots of laughter and great support of our kids and close friends,” says Jacobs, “we survived the following six weeks together.”
Squash Daily Rigmarole and Prioritize Your Relationship
The longer the relationship, the more potential there is for distraction. Before they know it, couples can begin to feel like cohabitating acquaintances rather than spouses. “For example,” says Steinorth, “the simple day-to-day patterns of meeting your responsibilities (work, kids, household duties, etc.) can detract from making your relationship a priority.” It’s an easy trap to fall into, explains Steinorth, but one that can be avoided. “We schedule everything else in our lives, so there’s no reason to feel guilty or awkward about scheduling [time] and activities with your spouse.”
Simply watching a movie, taking a walk or enjoying morning coffee together can ensure your relationship remains priority number one. “Shared experiences are great for bonding and avoiding disconnect,” says Steinorth. It is a concept Hause and her husband have embraced with tenacity. “My husband’s mom got very frustrated with us early on because we put each other first,” recalls Hause. “One day she said, ‘I get so tired of you two. One of you lies and the other one swears to it!’"
Before Things Get Hairy … Communication and Conflict Resolution
It’s not uncommon for couples in long-term relationships to become comfortable in the notion that their partner is a mind reader. “Regardless of how long they've been together,” says Steinorth, “a couple needs to communicate with one another about their wants and needs.” If a couple doesn’t convey their expectations clearly and thoroughly, the potential for miscommunication increases. Differences of opinion can easily escalate, testing the foundation of the relationship.
For example, Jacobs and her husband Paul realized early on that they had different methods of parenting. “He was traditional in his thinking,” says Jacobs. “He was used to facing problems head-on in his law practice and tended to be more confrontational, whereas I preferred to approach our children in a gentler fashion.” As a result of practicing open and honest communication, Jacobs and her husband were able to navigate through their differences. They concluded that, although their approach to parenting was different, both were right.
Of course, even the healthiest relationship is prone to a breakdown in communication. When this occurs, Steinorth stresses the importance of “arguing well.” In other words, “Couples should try their best to reach a mutually satisfactory outcome. If they can’t, then they respectfully agree to disagree.” As Hause recalls, “We definitely had ups and downs, arguments and spats, but when there was a real problem, we were a united front.”
Unbelievably Believable Romance—and Fun
Amid all the kindness, communication, conflict resolution and hard work, it’s important for couples to remember the importance of romance and to have fun. This is a simple sentiment, perhaps, but one that’s easily forgotten. “Staying romantic,” says Steinorth, “doesn’t necessarily translate into sex (although if you remain sexual with each other, it will help). Staying romantic includes holding hands, hugging each other and kissing from time to time.”
Romance doesn’t have to be another chore on the to-do list, but it represents the most unconventional, free-spirited and fun aspects that you enjoy with a partner. Steinorth recalls a couple she knew who used to take pictures of themselves every place they visited. “They had a photo album of all of these great pictures extending over the years,” says Steinorth. “What was funny was that because the camera was held at arm’s length, you couldn’t really tell where they were—only they knew.”
Jacobs and her husband have stuck to this formula throughout the years. When Jacob’s husband turned 40, she surprised him with 100 copies of a book featuring his own poetry, and on his 50th birthday, she rented a recording studio for a day and invited friends and relatives who played instruments or sang to accompany him.
It’s Your Turn to Fill Those Big Shoes
Remember, a loving, fulfilling long-term relationships is possible. Continue to nurture your relationship by talking, touching and maintaining a sense of self. Before you know it, you will have created your own urban relationship myth.
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